Hovis ‘Crackin’ Crumpets’ suite, New Bank Street stadium, Newton Heath, Manchester, 3pm 22nd November 2018
SCENE: The room is full of assorted press, who are busy talking among themselves as a door opens and two men come and sit at a long table surrounded by microphones, who take their seats as follows:
DAVID EVANS, press officer
DAVID EVANS: okay ladies and gentlemen, please settle down now. (The place quietens). Thank you. Now you might be wondering why we called this press conference today. To put it simply, it is to put to bed rumours of wrongdoing by the club that in our opinion have been based solely on speculation without a single shred of evidence from a reputable source.
To state it clearly, the allegation that our manager, FMHeathen, has been deliberately trying to throw Champions League games because he apparently “cocked the edit up and didn’t feel as though we should be in it” is complete nonsense of the highest order. As we know, European competition is a great honour for the club and it is always our intention to try our hardest to win EVERY game, no matter what the circumstances.
Now, you are welcome to ask questions but I warn you that that is our official line and we will not, I repeat not, be deviating from it today. We are a well functioning organisation with high morals and that is something that we will defend both here and in court if we have to.
COREY DELANEY: Corey Delaney, 412111 magazine ..
DAVID EVANS: Go ahead, Corey.
COREY DELANEY: Before we go any further, may I just say that the concerns that fans and members of the public have raised extend much further than FMHeathen allegedly “throwing” the competition, with many more allegations of mismanagement that you need to address. For example, is it true that you made one of your affiliate managers, Mr @Kylex8fm, move clubs 3 times this week because FMheathen had forgot to put the first two in ‘playable leagues’? Hardly a sign of a ‘well functioning organisation’. Is it also true that Mr Heathen had absolutely no team when he arrived as you had sacked the lot that morning, instead of them reportedly leaving due to contract issues because of relegation clauses? In fact, Juan Mata is just one of those players who have gone on the record to say that, as well as being shocked to find his red kit had changed to green and gold overnight, he felt they were treated “like a bag of sheeeeet” once you were relegated.
DAVID EVANS: The club will not be discussing @Kylex8fm’s contract today – what happened in Prescot, Italy and Mexico in those 13 and 1/2 hrs is a private in-club matter that we won’t be ..
COREY DELANEY: .. but our readers want ..
FMHEATHEN: .. you to shut your mouth.
DAVID EVANS: Excuse me?
FMHEATHEN: You heard, cloth ears. Why don’t you pipe down?
DAVID EVANS: It’s ok, FM, I’ll handle this ..
COREY DELANEY: Well I don’t think that’s very nice, or professional.
FMHEATHEN: Nice doesn’t come into to it pal – you accuse me, us, of cheating after you’ve been sat there for two hours scoffing our croissants and cappuccinos? You’re a cheeky bastard I’ll give you that.
DAVID EVANS: No, really, FM, leave it to me.
FMHEATHEN: Wait a minute, I’m just getting started. (He puts his fingers together and stretches his hands out, cracking the bones). As for professional, well that’s rich coming from you. Was it professional when I caught you going through my bins looking for my wife’s knickers at 3 o clock in the morning two nights ago?
DAVID EVANS (TO DELANEY): Is that true?
FMHEATHEN: Dead right – he was about to put them on his head when I found him at it, ain’t that right, Jasmina? (He gestures a nod to a 20-something dolly bird at the back of the room wearing a skin tight white jumpsuit, scarlet lipstick, gigantic eyelashes and holding a small Chihuaha wearing a diamante collar with the name ‘Mitzi’ spelt out on it in pearls. She looks up from her mobile phone screen and nods, uninterested).
COREY DELANEY: I was not! That was journalistic research in the public interest! I was looking for evidence of ..
FMHEATHEN: .. what me and Jasmina were getting up to in our boudoir, in fact, I’m pretty sure you were about to crack one ou..
DAVID EVANS: Ok, FM, that’s enough thank you. Let’s not lower the tone. Getting back to your earlier query, yes, it is true that the full first team was released, but that really was due to relegation release clauses – being deducted 18 pts for fielding ineligible players last season was a cruel blow and we couldn’t expect world-class players to stay around in the Championship. It also gave the manager a clean slate to work with. Now, any more questions?
KERRY TURNBULL: Kerry Turnbull, BBC.
DAVID EVANS: Hi Kerry. What’s your question?
KERRY TURNBULL: Referring back to the allegations that the club, or should I say Mr FMHeathen, tried to deliberately lose the Champions League games because he felt your qualification was undeserved, is it true that you donated all the £13mil profits to a random Indonesian team by paying that amount for a player valued at just £60,000? And if so, can that be viewed as an admission of guilt for funds you felt were not deserved?
FMHEATHEN: Hmmmm can I answer this please David?
DAVID EVANS: Yes, FM, sure.
FMHEATHEN: The thing is Kerry, beauty is in the eye of beholder, and when I saw Fernando play when I was on holiday in Bali last year I recognised quality when I saw it. As well as looking good in a sarong, the lad’s got gorgeous positioning.
KERRY TURNBULL: Yes, of 7, he has also never achieved more than a 6.64 avg at any club in his career and he’s also been injured for 9 of the last 12 months and hasn’t scored in the last three years, despite being a pressing forward in one of the weakest leagues in the world.
FMHEATHEN: .. and every diamond just looked like a piece of shit-covered glass once, Kerry. The boy’s worth every penny of that 13 mil and you should have seen the little faces of his team’s owners when they realised they could finally get real toilets installed on their first team playing-field. They’re even talking about getting dressing rooms and matching shirts!
DAVID EVANS: Hmmm okay, thanks FM. I think that will be all for today.
FMHEATHEN: Sorry, David but no, that’s not all. Can I have a final word please?
DAVID EVANS: Okay, go ahead.
FMHEATHEN: The thing is, I’d like to know how the press would play the game if they were in our position. Last year we got accused of cheating for playing those three Penarol boys by mistake and you vilified us for it, saying we did it on purpose to give us an edge in a game we were already winning 2 nil. Now this year you complain when I show a little bit of decency and do the right thing because Ladies and Gentlemen, yes, I hold my hands up that I did field weaker sides to try and lose those games ..
DAVID EVANS: Ahemm can we leave it there now, FMHe..
FMHEATHEN: Sorry, David, but no, I don’t think we can, please let me finish. The truth is that I tried to lose the Champions League games because our qualification was a mistake and that is wrong. Since Harry Stafford gathered a handful of the ashes of this fine club together in 1902 and reformed it with his tired and broken hands into the global empire we are today we have strived for greatness that has so far eluded us, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying, with determination, integrity and above all else, honesty, and that is why I am going back to Bali for a few weeks with my Jasmina while you sort this shit out. Tell UEFA they can have my wages for the year and I’ll see you in January, if the club still want me.
(He gets up and leaves, followed by Jasmina. The chatter in the room starts to rise as David Evans also stands up and leaves)
FMheathen did in fact return to manage Newton Heath 1878 on the 1st January 2019 to find that the database had ‘settled down’ and that the club had, in fact been eliminated from the Champions League under the management of his assistant, and former NH1878 RB, Gary Neville. He was personally fined a full season’s wage for admittedly fielding a weaker team and the club was given a two year (suspended) ban from European competition.
@Kylex8fm is still manager of NH Pumas, where he has a 42% win rate.
Fernando still has a positioning of 7, but an avg of 6.88 (for the first time in his career).
The club’s lawyers would like to state that FMheathen’s comments relating to Mr Corey Delaney being a perverted nocturnal knicker-sniffer were entirely his own and were not meant to represent the opinions of the club and it’s affiliates.